Insane

 Let's talk about the trauma of me not dating anyone.

I am currently 26 years old. I really want a relationship but it scares the living shit outta me cuz I am scared to introduce them to my family. Now to tell you about my family, one is a drunkard abusive (father) another is submissive and I am no better and my sister doesn't seem to be doing anything to make her life. and I have a abusive piece of shit for a grandfather who curses and talking shit alot (by shit i mean accuses us of witchcraft calls us witch and threatens to kill every other day). and with that my will of living decrease by the speed of light. Honestly, every time i feel like I'm getting better or there is a relationship that have high potential of sailing. I just feel like there is a tumor in my lung that stop me from being in one. I am embarrassed by my so called family as it makes no progress over years. Our relationship is no better. Im scared that the shit that goes down in my family i would drag a person to it. and my family couldnt care less about it. I have no confidence to introduced anyone to my family or invite them over. I cannot take myself out of this mess or make it any better. I have seen and heard so many things in this house that no human should. I have cried so many years but this house made me realize that tears have no value and you dont matter, that I dont matter. Maybe that is what i reflect in my relationships. I have place so little value over myself that even if people say "you matter"or "you're beautiful", there are mere words. I just cant bring myself to feel that way because you have never felt that way.

Today I told my mother that I felt very embarrassed of them in the context of they are not even trying to better themselves to what i got an answer of "THEN DON'T". I have no words to say after that. I don't mean that I am embarrassed that they are my parent. I am embarrassed that they are not trying to be better version of themselves, They fight over littlest thing and same thing over and over and over again. I heard them fight and not talk over years. the longest they didn't talk to each other is over 5 years. Living has always been hell of me since I was a child. Always been compared over and compared my parents with themselves. how unlucky I am? after hearing that over 2 decades you kinda feel like one unlucky kid. I am foreign to the word "bond". I dont know what it looks like and how it should look like as I am brought up to a toxic and abusive environment. This can be a real minus on you as it weighs down on your mental state and how you perceive things and you self esteem is six feet under. You feel inferior to everyone and feel like an imposter with your friends.

The condition in my house have not for once went we up but always down. I really have seen, heard and felt these over 2 and half decade. I has never for once felt better. The footsteps of the father stills spikes my heart beat. and to reduce that I still over my ears with my hands. I have always felt uncomfortable in the house. and maybe that is why I always walk on eggshells.

I feel like I deserve better but when that better arrives it doesn't deserve me. the doesnt deserve all that. I dont want to introduce him to this mud.